There’s no way around it; it’s a pain in the ass to be a woman. We deal with the month-to-month bullsh*t that is menstruation. We carry the babies, we deliver them, and we nurse them. Then, to add insult to countless vaginal injuries, just when we feel we’ve reached the finish line, boom! Menopause.
The ways in which the two sexes differ from one another are infinite, from our emotional capabilities to the stereotypes that follow all of us. One could write a series of encyclopedias differentiating the two, and the revisions would be ongoing.
For the sake of time and our fleeting Generation-Y attention spans, our biggest difference: we have vaginas and they have penises.
The other day at work, a co-worker of mine shared that she would be out of the office for a month recovering from a procedure. I felt comfortable enough asking what procedure she’d be having that would require an entire month of recovery. She’s having a hysterectomy. For those of you not aware what that procedure entails, it’s the surgical removal of the uterus. You can no longer carry children and your period stops.
My co-worker said it with a smile on her face and I understood why; lady parts can be real moody bitches sometimes, causing an array of problems. Luckily for my friend, she’s already had all of her children, won’t be mourning the loss of her period and will be happy to rid herself of any further unexpected struggles.
Coincidentally, I left work that day and headed to my new gynecologist’s office. While sitting on my phone in the waiting room, I came across some douche bag’s status on Facebook. It was probably one of the most vulgar sentences I’ve ever read to myself and it was in regards to a vagina. Normally it takes a lot for me to feel rage for other people’s remarks, let alone their inability to properly punctuate or correctly spell a simple sentence.
Aside from the vulgarity, I felt rage because I would bet my life that that same douche bag that wrote the status has no awareness of the psychological effects some women experience after undergoing such procedures. Some women, after having these surgeries, feel as if they’re no longer women.
Suddenly, I felt inspired. Maybe it was the staggering amount of vaginal diagrams on the walls. Maybe it was because a dear friend of mine was going to have to endure such a procedure to improve the quality of her life. So I conducted some research, asking a handful of women for their input on the best part of having a vagina.
To my surprise, I found that many women don’t have anything nice to say about their vaginas. Some even said that they hate having one to some degree. I was appalled! Sure, they might be problematic and come with some interior baggage, but at least that baggage doesn’t drop to our knees when it gets hot.
I couldn’t help but wonder, then: why should a man have anything nice to say about vaginas if a woman can’t compliment her own?
So for all the men who have derogatory comments about the one place they are actively trying to enter, and for all the ladies who are the gatekeepers of such an exclusive location, here are 15 reasons why vaginas not only rock, but are also superior to penises:
1. When we get excited, no one knows unless we share it verbally.
No tucking appendages into our waistbands!
2. We can carry our purses with us everywhere we go.
It’s implied that we’re concealing some type of lady contraption (whether we still get the monthly visit or not), so don’t ask me why I’m bringing my pocket book with me.
3. We get to dress it in cute garments.
Fashion To Teach
From lace to latex. Sometimes we use it as a calendar because days of the week underwear are not just for children.
4. We have a Rolodex of excuses if we don’t want to sleep with you.
Ladies, you know the deal. Gentlemen, you don’t, and I’m most certainly not going to enlighten you.
5. You can have them “vajazzled.”
That’s right. You can pay someone to deck out your lady goods in Swarovski crystals. You go, fabulous! Any heterosexual man whose about to have sex with his lady and blinds her with a rhinestone crotch probably isn’t getting laid.
6. We don’t have to “beat” them for pleasure.
Life beats us down enough; we don’t have to go home and do it to ourselves. We can keep it sensual and pleasurable.
7. You can exercise them.
No bro, do YOU even lift? They’re called kegel exercises and you can do them virtually anywhere. Whether you’re driving in the car, watching television, or delivering a speech to 200 people. You can exercise your kegels even while you’re having sex.
8. Vaginas can be rejuvenated.
There is one word and it has a connotative meaning, which I cannot stand, and that word is “loose.” Clearly I’m referring to how men label a woman’s vagina. Unlike men, who are stuck with a tiny penis if they are granted one, women can go the extra mile after the work out. Although pricey and most definitely invasive, you can go the extra mile and get a fresh start. Like a virgin, touched for the very first time. Your penile implant is full of lies.
9. We have more contraceptive options.
Birth control pill, the ring, IUD’s, hormone shots, sponges, diaphragms even female condoms. It’s like a shoe closet for your vagina. We’re women; we need options.
10. We don’t have to worry about not getting it up.
Our emergency backup method is a bottle of lube, and if it’s still there in four hours, we don’t have to consult a physician. We’ll just wash it off.
11. Our toys are not as ridiculous as sex toys for men.
There you go, lusting after a vagina. Flesh light? Pocket vagina? They don’t even have clever f*cking names.
12. We still get to have balls.
We just wear them metaphorically on the inside, and again, we don’t have to worry about them sticking to the inside of our legs. Ladies, just think of how cute they would be hanging out of your high-waisted shorts in the summer. No? Exactly.
13. We have a clitoris.
This is pretty much self-explanatory. Men have a shaft and a second head. The two heads can’t even be used simultaneously. One ends up harnessing all of the power and the other shuts down; it’s science.
14. We can put on an Oscar-winning performance when faking an orgasm.
So maybe we’re not all Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally,” but we get the job done. We do this so no one’s feelings get hurt because we’re women and we’re nurturers. Or maybe it’s because we need to knock this sh*t out of the park so you hurry up and finish. Either way, you’re welcome.
15. The power.
Don’t lie to your friends or yourself. Don’t try to lie to me, either. Vaginas run this mother*cking universe.
Ladies and gentlemen, none of you would be here today without a woman who grew you in her lady parts. I don’t give a sh*t if you were conceived in a petri dish or missionary style in your parents bedroom – that egg came from somewhere and a womb was your digs for almost a year. Whether a surrogate carried you, or your biological mother did – it doesn’t matter – show some damn respect.
On that note, to all the women who may feel that they’ve lost some part of being a woman, whether it’s due to the removal of their uterus, ovaries, or breasts, you are a woman because of you who are, not your physical anatomy. To bravely undergo such procedures voluntarily, or involuntarily, makes you even more of a woman than you were before.
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